Personal problems with some kind of stress - #25858

I am presently a btech student and entered into my 2nd year. I was a simple serious type guy and from class 3rd I was the topper till 10th class. There were some kind of family problems and because of that I was becoming more stressed because it is very harsh for a 7-8 year kid to handle so many things. In class 7th my parents were going to drop my sister in kota for medical preparation so at that time they were out of the town for only one night but in one night I became so stressed that agar bus ka accident ho gaya to kya hoga agar mumma papa ko kuch ho gya to mai kya karunga vagera and because of that I went crying for many hours and that's why parents left kota in night so that they can reach fastly to town. In childhood my sister lived in hostel and I was the only child living near my parents so my attachment was much greater to my parents and specially mumma. I was a child who kept crying for small things because I am a bit emotional child. I was in 6th or 7th class when a uncle who came frequently to our house had a heart attack and before it he talked to my father . I became so stressed that my father talked to him that's why he also must be getting the heart attack and I cried a lot. At one time I was admitted in a hospital because of high fever but I did not allowed my parents to go far than me for a small time because I was thinking that the person at my near bed can kill me because of their family tensions. In my family also there was a much tension.My mother used to stay tensed and she also talked about their self harm and I was facing these things as a child and I become depressed. After that my mom and I had an accident where my mom had a serious injury in the toe of leg but I went with my mom till sms hospital jaipur and also stayed in hospital for whole night because of mumma's operation and my father was still there .This is because I was so attached to my mother and not wanted to live far than her. She went to 4 operations in nearly six months but I went in excessive overthinking and philosophy and concentration in my studies was losing.I used to think what will happen to her . Will I be able to live without her , why people live and die what wrong did my mother did or why it happened .I used to think if anything happens to my mother I will also not live. Those six months went like six years at that time. I used to cry a lot and I thought that my mom is going for checkup what happens if the car they are travelling to undergoes an accident and a lot more of these negative things. After that I also have phobia for my eye checkup because my numbers are going higher and i have a fear if I have a complete loss of vision .After that lockdown come I took the online classes of unacademy for foundation of jee/neet. I was not able to sgudy weel and I used to watch serials in laptop for whole day and I had a habit of watching it .I was also tensed about by eyes. No study happened then I shifted my focus from foundation to boards . In middle a student of senior class threatened me that he would killl me because I was teasing him for fun but I was hopeless and I was crying then my father taught me that nothing will happen he is just trying to evoke me. After that the matter solved. In childhood many people said many things to me because I used to get teased. After that I tried a lot studied a lot and then also my focus was bad I opened some serials at one tab and then started studying by this I was able to score 94% in class 10th and because of that my school gave me a scholarship in 11th and 12th. I moved to jaipur for preparation of jee and lived in a pg . I studied there but was not able to adjust and I was coming home after 7 days each sometimes before than 7 days. I tried a lot and I went to self study room from 7 to 7 just because to adjust my mind but that never happened. I cried continuously for many days my mind went into severe depression mere hath pairo mein cheeti chalne lagi thi na dhang se neend aati thi na hi padhayi hoti thi. I was in top 100 in coaching in first 2 tests but after that I left studies I lost self control and my mind was getting into sensations . I went into philosophical overthinking I thought of self harm .i requested my parents but they spoke in anger and denied my request that please send mumma to me I will not able to live without her .After 3 month main ek aisi position me tha ki agar isse jyada kuch hua to main mar jaunga ya pagal ho jaunga mai chah kar bhi hasna chau to bhi rona hi aata th poora din rota rehta th tab mumma mere paas aayi par fir bhi kuch nahi badla sab kuch vaisa hi padhta tha nahi test main marks nahi aate th padhta tha tab bhi maut aur jindagi pr sawal aata th and jee mein chain nhi th . Aisa lgta th ki addition aise hi kyu hota h ye aise hi kyun hoga aur aisa lgta th ki pen mere hath se gir sakta h ye scooty ka hath control mein nahi reht th aisa lgta th ki ye fenk du wo fenk du aurpura din rota th. Doctors ko dikhaya kuch nhi hua aisa lagta th ki kahi mai sharab nahi pee lu wagera washroom mein coaching me rota rehta th aur aisa rota th ki hopeless ho jata th.Sab merse aage nikal gaye fir maine jaipur chor diya 12th k start mein and hometown aa gya fir 1 saal maine serial k sath dusre tab mein padhai ki and mains mein 78 percentile aayi. Mene mere ghar k paas hi ek college le liya fir mujhe ek homeopathy doctor mile unki dawa se kaafi aaram mila aur 1st sem bhi clear ho gya thodi padhayi bhi karne laga lekin pura sahi nhi hua uske baad 1 saal baad wapis dikkat hui to homeopathy chori aur ayurved treatment liya usse bhi aaram hai par ab bhi ghar se door jane ka man nahi karta aisa lgta hai ki kahi sharab na peene lag jaun kahi mujh se kuch galat nahi ho jaye kahi mera pair na cut jaye kahi meri aankhein na chali jaye kahi merko koi kidnap nahi kr le to isiliye main pareshan hota hu baaki kaafi relief hai na hi rona aata hai aisa lagta hai ki kahi desh khatam nahi ho jaye kahi democracy na chali jaye kahi government job nahi khatam ho jaye matlab ek insecurity har jagah feel hoti hai isiliye career nahi chun pa rha hun kabhi aisa lagta hai ki merse kuch galat na ho jaye aur mujhe ghar se door nahi jana kyunki mujhe baharki duniya kaafi akeli lagti hai mai ab 2 saal se ghar hi hun aur ek bahut hi low profile college se degree kar rha hun aur bh kaafi cheezein hain par please kuch solution ho to bataiyega . mene socha ki main ibps rrb ki prep krunga fir mujhe lga ki bank privatize ho rhi hai to kahi koi mujhe nikal na de kahi door na bhej de kahi kuch aur insecure cheez na ho jaye kahi mujhe majdoor na ban na pad jaye etc mein abhi brahmi vati medha vati mentat syrup sarasvatarishta le rha hoon aur meri dawai agar band ho gayi to mai kaise jee paunga ye bataiye aisa bhi lgta hi ki koi mujhe paani mein sharab milake na pila de etc etc